Back to Square One

it would be nice if life had a reset button

Without going into too much detail, I kind of hit a new low this year. I did not realize I could cry so intensely for a few days straight–most of the time, I don’t freaking know the reasons why.

I’m not sure if I had properly processed it or I’m simply suppressing something that will bite me back later, but I’m glad I came out the other side. I am gradually feeling much better now, and while there are some triggers that could put me back there, on most days I simply forgot—it almost feels like nothing happened, numb.

I think a lot!
About myself per se.
What am I going through?
What am I supposed to be?
What am I supposed to do?
It was challenging for a lot of reasons,
but more than anything, I felt lost…

I don’t know which direction I’m headed.
All emotions feel unfamiliar..

I have been worrying about my family(ies).
I couldn’t find my authentic voice and cared a little less.
I lost my soul a little, trying to do too many things at once.
Figure out what’s best for my life and for all the people I love.
These worries could be numbing–most of the nights.

One thing I know is that I would never wish it to happen to anyone.
But if it does, I hope you all get the help you would need to get through it.

I’m still quite trembling while writing this..
Remembering how it feels, definitely hard.
Staring at the ceiling innumerable and unconsciously feeling nothing.
The way I felt so hopeless and lost of desires on everything..
A couple times back then, I just wondered what life would be if I’m gone..
Will things get any better? Or simply just.. Nothing will happen..

I still felt a little hollow (like a weird limbo) where I’m not allowed to have an opinion because it will only be misunderstood or used to attack me out of spite. So that’s why I sought “help”. One of the therapy methods that I constantly use is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and one of the ways for this is “journaling”. I do journaling by handwriting on books and have already used many notebooks every day–just spill out what’s inside my head to make me less of a burden. I just realized that writing has helped me process my anger, my fear, and hidden feelings in the past. I felt recharged, I felt that my anger, fear, and hidden feelings were understood. 

I kept thinking–back and forth, whether to publish some of my writing on the blog or just leave it to myself. It’s unlikely that people I know will read my writing, but I’m still worried about what they’ll think after reading my writing here. After so many considerations, now I’m here. Starting again to express what I feel through my writing after almost a year. A first post of 2021, online!

It’s okay to feel lost sometimes.. Especially when this pandemic started, I just felt left behind. But regardless of how I feel, if I’m happy, sad, confused, frustrated or whatever it is, all those feelings are valid. That’s why I learn through the process of my life so far.

Acceptance.

So here’s to hoping that before the year ends,I could be a little braver and stronger to be myself again with all my shortcomings as a human being.

Around Sunway Velocity (KL) using Kodak GT 800 Color Print 35 mm film

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